I’m done with this bull-crap of a feeling. I’ve been riding this roller coaster of emotions since the day I registered for the Charleston Marathon.
Week 1: Yes, I’m so freaking excited! I’m gonna accomplish another bucket list goal. I’m going to train my ass off and make it to Boston.
Week 2: WTF was I seriously thinking? I can’t run that fast for that long. There is no way I can maintain that speed for 26.2 miles. I’m an idiot.
Week 3: Tony, do you think I can do it? Mom, Do you think I can do it? WILL SOMEONE TELL ME THAT I CAN DO IT?
It’s been like this since day 1. A few nights ago, I needed Tony to sit with me and talk me through my emotions. I just kept asking him over and over again, “Do you really think I can BQ?” Of course my husband isn’t a runner and doesn’t even really comprehend what I’m trying to accomplish here. All he knows is that he wants to be supportive and uplifting, so of course he responded with “of course you will. I have no doubt.” The problem is that even though he told me I could do it, I still didn’t believe it. I just laid in bed and wondered if I was going to actually make it across the finish line within my goal.
I don’t know where all this self-doubt is coming from. I’ve been following my training, I’ve been running my long runs at the pace I need to be but there still is this ugly dark cloud floating over me that constantly drags me down. For every positive thought I have about my marathon, I’ll have 3 negative thoughts about it. I need to get out of my own head. If I want to hit this incredibly hard goal that I’ve put in front of myself, I need to start believing in myself. There is truth in the fact that if you repeatedly tell yourself that you can’t do something, you just might sabotage yourself.
It’s so easy to get into our own heads. I think I personally do it because I want to have an excuse if I don’t hit my goal. I also think that saying “I can” or “I will” can make me sound a little full of myself. I don’t want to come off as full of myself but at the same time, I need to believe in myself. I need to believe that I can do this, I need to constantly repeat the mantra “I will do this.” Otherwise, why work so hard at something if you aren’t going to at least enjoy the ride. 5 months of training for the marathon with constant negative self doubts is not a fun way to spend your time.
If we tell ourselves we are capable of the impossible, then we reach for the impossible. If we tell ourselves that we can’t , we are more likely to fail. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to spend hours of hard work and training to set myself up for failure, regardless of if it is physical or mental failure. I have to train my brain to be able to push through the pain and stay strong for 3.5 hours of running without stopping. That is a lot of mental strength. So, enough of this self doubt bull-shit. It’s time to lift my chin up and believe in myself.
I can do this. I will do this. I am capable.
I want to hear you all say it too. No matter what your goals are, you are worth believing in!